Breaking and Rebuilding
by DarkBrightness
Summary: Tamlen's death through my female Mahariel's point of view. How do you recover after losing everything not once, but twice?


"You…lethallan…Nella…"

It can't be. It's impossible. Tamlen is dead.

But Nella Mahariel knows that voice. She knows the way he moves, the unmistakably Dalish armor he wears. He is almost unrecognizable. His skin is dark, almost black. His blond hair is gone. His eyes, once as blue as the sky, are dark and tormented.

"Tamlen," Nella chokes out.

"Don't come near me! Stay away!" Tamlen darts to the edge of camp, his long legs stretching and churning, like when they chased a herd of deer. Nella would know that run anywhere. She stumbles after him, her whole body gone numb with shock.

"Don't…look at me! I am…sick…"

She's breathing in gasps, her fists clenched because she wants to _hit_ something, whatever did this to him. "Don't be afraid, Tamlen. It's me, it's Nella. We can help you. Wynne's a healer."

She looks at the old mage, who shakes her head slowly.

"No…no help for me. The song, in my head. It calls to me…he sings to me!" Tamlen's whole body is shaking. His wide eyes are deranged, burning with the need to kill. Nella knows the voice he means. She can hear it every night in her dreams.

"I can't stop it. Don't want…to hurt you, lethallan."

Nella's resolve breaks and tears roll down her cheeks. Even now, corrupted and on the very brink of insanity, he is trying to protect her. Not from darkspawn or shem or rabid bears, but from himself.

"Please…stop me."

"Don't ask me to do that," Nella pleads, her voice breaking. "I can't kill you."

"Always…loved you, lethallan." He chokes out the words as if something is holding them back.

Nella can't help it. She wraps her arms around his neck and pulls him close to her. His whole body is shaking and she knows he's trying not to hurt her. Every instinct is screaming at her to _get away_ but this is _Tamlen_, her best friend, and if she had summoned up the courage it could have been more.

"I am so sorry, lethallan. Never…wanted this…"

The last tears squeeze themselves out of Nella's green eyes and drip onto Tamlen's shoulder. "Goodbye, lethallin," she murmurs. "I loved you. I always loved you." With a deep breath, she steps back and reaches for an arrow. Her bowstring creaks as she pulls it back to her shoulder.

Then she lets go.

A simple action, one Nella has done thousands of times, whether her target is a deer or a darkspawn or a person. But this time, it's the hardest thing she's ever done. She can almost feel the cracks spreading, her heart shattering into a thousand pieces.

Her legs give out underneath her and she falls to her knees next to his body. With shaking hands, she closes his eyelids gently.

Nella stays there for a long time. Hours pass. She doesn't even notice she's shivering until the blanket drops over her shoulders.

"You'll catch cold like that, Warden," comes Zevran's voice from behind her. "Come on. Let's go sit by the fire." He pulls her up and doesn't let go of her hand. Nella lets him lead her, following like a lost puppy. She pulls the blanket more closely around her shoulders.

They sit in front of the fire, not speaking. He watches her carefully, but doesn't say anything.

"I loved Tamlen," Nella says, avoiding his eyes. She doesn't mean to say anything else, but the words start to pour out of her lips before she can stop them.

"I think I always loved him, somewhere deep inside, but didn't realize it until that day. It started out like any day, hunting in the woods together. That was the day I lost him. The Creators, or the Maker, or whoever is up there in the heavens controlling us, were cruel that day. To make me realize I was in love with my best friend, and rip him away from me only a few hours later. How was I supposed to go on? The Grey Warden, Duncan, and Keeper Marethari insisted he was dead. But they lied, didn't they? I just killed Tamlen. If I could have searched for him, healed him—"

"It wasn't your fault, Nella," he says softly. She still can't bear to meet his gaze, to see the sympathy in those golden eyes.

"I know," she answers. "But I still can't stop blaming myself."

"At least you finally brought him peace," he says.

Nella looks at Alistair and Sten as they dig deeper into the ground, a grave where Tamlen will finally be laid to rest. The thought comforts her a little. Peace. Tamlen will have peace.

"I did not know your friend very well," he begins. "But I he must have truly loved you to do what he did."

This surprises Nella enough to make her head snap up, her eyes meeting his. "What do you mean?"

"Even though he was corrupted, he fought the call of the Archdemon to find you, yes? Who knows how long he was searching? I believe, Warden, that only something as powerful as love can overcome something like that."

Nella stares at him for a long time before the tears start to come again. A combination between a gasp and a sob rips out of her throat. Perhaps she always loved Tamlen. Perhaps he always loved her. But it is too late for that.

Zevran pulls her into his arms and she lets herself cry, soaking the fabric of his nightshirt.

"Don't cry, Nella. It will be all right, you see? I promise I won't let you get hurt again."

He touches her cheek gently. "Zevran…"

He leans in and presses his lips to hers.

It's a long, gentle kiss and Nella can feel the pieces of her heart starting to pick themselves up and form something new. A warm feeling spreads in her chest. It will take a while. It may hurt sometimes because everything about the world reminds her of Tamlen.

But Nella is strong. She knows that she can reconstruct her broken self into something better.

And Zevran will be there to help.


End file.
